Updated guidelines for the holiday season require us to begin preparing for the festivities in early January, making it easier to understand by simply referring to the week after December 25th as “Not Christmas.” The first signs of the approach of what is now known as “Technically Christmas” appear in the form of decorations. The time has come to warn the public about the Top 5 Reasons to Fear for the Future of Holiday Decor.

5) Don’t Lick the Tree

The genius of a tree made of glass that could be mistaken by a child for a collection of lollipops should amaze even the most clouded mind among us. You have to wonder if the tree comes with the bottles or they instruct you to chug a case of root beer and scrub the glass out by hand. Just make sure they’re dry before you plug it in.

Then you have the tree made of wood. Without needles. Without visual appeal. Without any redeeming hope at all. Why? I suspect a DIY project involving the total destruction of your back porch is not the direction holiday cheer should be steering toward.

4) Because Normal Doesn’t Make Sense

Close your eyes for a moment and imagine the board meeting that inspired this tree. “Folks, we’ve been stuck with the same old upright Christmas trees for centuries now. The idea is stagnant. The only way we’re going to revitalize the market is to turn them upside down. Innovation or death!” On the other hand, you can stand on your head and see presents stuck to the ceiling.

3) It’s Blocking My View of the Streetlights

The best thing about a Christmas tree that reminds you of the maid you can’t afford or the last time you had a nightmare about a carwash is, well, a total mystery. It looks more like a drill bit for Paris Hilton’s new line of power tools than anything you’d want to see driving down the street on your way to buy some sensible decorations.

2) Look Out! It’s Christmas Eagle!

Lighted silhouette displays offer images of snowmen, angels, skaters, candy canes and threatening giant eagles swooping down to steal your presents. Wait, what? Nothing says Christmas more than the imposing figure of this giant bird looking to rip something to shreds.

1) Honey, Will You Please Blow up the Fruitcake for Me?

Did you notice the blowhole? This thing masquerading as a fruitcake is twice as useless for the fact that no one wants to eat fruitcake to begin with. Share the laughs as Aunt Sue makes excuses not to eat the inedible fruitcake. Even the dog won’t benefit from this disaster.

Well, there you have it. 5 of the worst examples of holiday cheer on the market. Try to forget about them. The best thing to do is put up your decorations, whatever they may be, and enjoy them as they were meant to be enjoyed. Hold your friends and family close, be grateful for the times you share and have a wonderful holiday season.

Author Annie Sullivan enjoys the holidays and loves to coordinate the decorating of her office building by visiting Santa’s Quarters for beautiful artificial trees and unique, commercial grade large ornaments.

Photo credits:
5. OhSoCrafty.blogspot.com; HappyLovesRosie.blogspot.com; holidaylightandmagic.com
2. McPhee.com via shelterpop.com