- No farting, burping or expelling of other bodily gases. This one seems like common sense but unfortunately, it’s on the list for a reason.
- If you are not getting off at the next floor and are parked in front of the doors, when said doors open, stand aside! Don’t look surprised and offended when the peons in the back of the car yell, “Excuse Me!” You have to be stupid not to understand that if the button for this floor was lit when you got on the elevator, there is someone who needs to exit on this floor.
- Those waiting to get on the elevator must count to five after the doors open, before attempting to enter. If in that five seconds a person inside the car moves toward the door, the person waiting to enter must stand aside and allow them to leave. This is the only way to prevent pandemonium at every floor. It’s impossible for everyone to enter and exit through a four-foot wide opening at the same time.
- No kissing, groping, fondling, or other PDAs on the elevator. It’s not fair to subject others to your hippy love-fest when they have no chance of escape. The next time I see this happening, I’m breaking rule number one in the happy couple’s faces.
- Do not get on an elevator while talking on your cell phone and then proceed to yell, “I think I’m loosing you. I’m not getting good reception.” You’re in an elevator shaft! Of course you’re not getting good reception.
- An elevator journey lasts about forty seconds, so pay attention. When we arrive at your designated floor—leave! Don’t make others wait while you finish checking your make-up, day-planner, or whatever, and then, as the doors slide shut, jump up like you were snake bit and yell, “Hold the door! This is my floor.”
- All children should be on a tight leash when on an elevator. The little darlings are not allowed to press buttons, and leave sticky handprints on the walls, doors, and other passengers while their blissfully (or chemically) unaware parents pretend not to notice.
- Do not attempt to strike up an elevator conversation with your neighbor. Just assume the elevator stance—hands folded in front, or hanging at your sides. Ladies you may use one hand to hold the strap of your purse if you feel one of your elevator mates is a mugger who’s been lurking the elevator circuit waiting for fat pickings like you all day. Feet should be a hips-width apart (no wider you greedy buggers), and your head tilted up to watch the floor numbers tick off. Anything else is strictly forbidden.
- If you approach and elevator and the up or down button is already lit and you push it anyway, the people waiting for the elevator around you have the perfect right to slap you in the back of the head and yell, “DUH!”
- There is to be no singing along with the Muzak system. Do not be fooled, the security camera isn’t secretly filming you as the next potential contestant on American Idol.
Summary Thoughts on Elevator Etiquette
These rules shall be posted on giant reader boards outside banks of elevators, and random monitoring implemented to ferret out elevator terrorists. Passengers caught violating the rules will be de-elevatored at the next floor.
Violators will be required to use the stairs for a probationary period of one year. After this time, they must take a written exam proving that they understand the rules. Those not scoring 100% on the exam will have an additional one year probationary period tacked on to their elevator ban.
Stacy Verdick Case is an experienced elevator rider who never breaks the rules. She is the author of the Catherine O’Brien mystery series. The first book A Grand Murder is available now. Visit Stacy on the web at www.StacyVerdickCase.com or http://sostacythought.wordpress.com/.