Here’s Raptor Jesus, LOL! Do You Think I’m Going to Hell For This Article?

Warning: If you’re a very serious religious catholic person, there’s a chance you’ll be extremely offended with the concept of a Raptor Jesus. Well, shame on you! Jesus might have died for our sins, but it doesn’t mean he didn’t had a sense of humor.

From all the modern mythologies spawned from this chaotic mass of computer users we call the Internet, Raptor Jesus may very well be the most fiercely holy. Or the outright dumbest an offensive, depending on how you look at it. But since over here at Slices of Life we don’t easily fall pray to bias of any kind, it felt as though the time is just about right to create a post that educates Internet users such as yourself regarding this striking amalgamation of one of the dearest dinosaurs of its time with one of the dearest religious leaders of our time.

Raptor Jesus; the beginnings.

As legend goes, it all begin in that geyser of profanity and juvenile Internet jokes known simply as “4chan”. It was a day like any other, when… some person who was probably crazy (or bored out of his mind) came up with a rather unique notion: that of crudely photoshopping a raptor head on a picture of Jesus. Behold and lo, for this is the way that Internet memes are often born: through a mix of insanity, boredom and ceaseless repetition, like a rather distasteful butterfly effect.

Raptor Jesus: the very best pictures!

Fast forward a couple of years, Raptor Jesus is now an imaginary deity to be reckoned with, and everyone and their cousin has already come up with their own crudely photosopped depictions of a raptor-headed Jesus. There’s even a dramatic encyclopedia entry, which you should check out if you want more facts.

We will now proceed to inspect the finest Raptor Jesus gallery available on the Internet, which as you’ll noticed are interspersed with a bunch of quotes that I nonchalantly stole from the Urban Dictionary and similar sources.

The son of Raptor-God. Born from the virgin Raptor-Mary. He got nailed to a wooden stake, he then ate the stake escaping an untimely death. He led the Raptor-Revaluation, Pwnd Hitler, Invented Nuclear physics, destroyed the dinosaurs for they would not follow his ways, AND took on: Freddie Kruger, Michael Myers, Jason, Alien, and Pretor... He won. Eventually... Raptor-Jesus went extinct for our sins!

 

Raptor Jesus appeared before me, and he said: "Take heed my son, for there shall be many who doubt me, but whosoever believeth in me shall have everlasting life." I wept with joy at the gift bestowed, "Yet, my lord, what fate shall be given to the unworthy?" He answered: "Their entrails shall be rent from their stomachs, their limbs ripped from their torso, to feast our hungry bodies, and restore our souls. Whensoever you feast upon the heart of thine enemy, think of me." For that is the beauty of Raptor Jesus.

 

"Nowere in the bible does it say that jesus isnt a raptor."

 

"Lawl im in your base killing all your mans. -raptor jesus"

 

"Raptor Jesus is a particularly lulzy metameme within the LOL Jesus meme. It is nearly identical to LOL Jesus, with the addition of a photoshopped raptor head."

One day, Raptor Jesus walked a busy street with his disciple, Anonymous. Anonymous and his like-named brethren populated the land on which they strolled, as common as blades of grass. They walked, discussing many things, but, Anonymous paused for a moment. “Lord?” he spoke, “Is not this idle talk frowned upon by your father?” And quoth Raptor Jesus; “All voice communicates knowledge. Knowledge is hardly frowned upon by anyone, and thus your ‘idle talk’ does not exist, unless you speak of memes. Memes are idle, as they are merely communication of things all know of” And thus our Lord beckoned to a painting of an insanely smiling man. “However, memes can bring laughter and happiness, thus, one can surmise that He enjoys them, and hardly frowns upon them” And Anonymous looked ahead, silent.

 

 

The female human has two X chromosomes and therefore can give birth ONLY to females via parthenogenesis. In Varanus sp. (the Komodo dragon and relatives), parthenogenesis can produce only males. This is compelling proof that Jesus was, in fact, a monitor lizard.

 

As far as imaginary religions go, this is probably still better than Scientology!