Within the crowded modern markets, modern market-ists certainly don’t have it easy. There’s so much information going around, so many people trying to sell their thing and build their profit, that sometimes advertisers engage some desperate stunts to try and stand out from the crowd. Needless to say, in certain occasions some ads effectively succeed in doing so, but for all the wrong reasons.

Have you ever come across a publicity that left you utterly puzzled and confused, all the while thinking “Were they actually trying to sell me on something or just chase me away? Are they trying to confuse me?”.

I certainly have thought so, and in fact it’s been happening so often that I decided to put together a list of my favorite BADVERTISEMENTS out there, so you can take your best shot at guessing what the hell it’s all about.

Let’s start with this bunch from OSO, a brand of food wrap. Okay, so they’re trying to tell us that if we don’t buy their product… our food will try to do stupid things? Shouldn’t the slogan read “If you don’t buy this, your food will try to kill itself in moronic fashion!”, or something like that? I’m really lost, here.

Okay, so next we have this brillian set from Aquafresh. In fact, it’s so brilliant that you’ll have to wear a cap to keep from getting bedazzled? My, those people certainly can come up with some far-fetched metaphors. I just hope the toothpaste is better… or are those people trying to hide their teeth because they don’t want us to see something terrible? Go figure.

Now, we should take a break from all the giggling and making fun of  the questionable judgement which has been so outstandindly exibited by the previous advertisers. So if you want to kick back in great style, feel free to join me in one of those amazing AUDI seats right over there in the middle of this theatre… of badvertisements?

There must be some kind of a trend in antrophomophic food lately that I hadn’t noticed before. I mean, how else could you explain the following campaign, where Heinz Beans tries to convince us that our snacks will go nuts unless we buy those beans? What if I don’t even like beans, does that mean I’ll get antropomorphic food poisoning and go coo-cucko? God only knows… and Heinz.

Now if  you’re thirsty from all the antropomorphic food you’ve had lately, why not grab a can of burn? I mean, just look how much it’ll hurt too pee and pass bowels after you’ve had this beverage. I’m talking EXCRUCIATING pain, as these ads so beautifully demonstrate. Isn’t that clever?

We’ve been spending a lot of cash eating out lately, so maybe it’s time we’d check our credit. Now before we take control of our finances, we just need to locate our motorcycle and … what is that crazy folk doing, anyway?

I don’t know about you, but the only thing I like better than antropomorphic food is potentially poisonous food! I paticularly enjoy it when a brand of soap tries to coax me into eating such food with some kind of bizarre sublimal pictures… wow, isn’t that FAB!

Whoa… maybe we should just head out towards the market and get us some real, non-antropomorphic and non-toxic-looking food, don’t you think so? So you want to check out Calgary Farmers Market, eh? Oh, I’m not sure… I know they say that’s as fresh as it gets… but sometimes I wonder if they meant “as FREAKY as it gets”! Hot damn, you can’t even trust food nowadays.

Speaking of food you can’t trust, it was about time we’d hear back from our good old friend Heinz the Ketchup: now in such a smokin’ hot variety, that it’ll actually burn your fries to cinders… hm, such a unique ashy flavor. Too bad I just lost my appetite. 

Having lost my appetite, I might as well try to make some random terrorist attacks or otherwise send out some messages in a bottle. All good chances to vent out on the frustations brought about by some of our finest contemporary Badvertisements… ah, and so the circle is drawn. 

Now that we’ve done our thing, let’s just act like total punks and piss right against the wall. Why care about others wellbeing, when you can just do it? Nike says you can!  

Just a word of advice for the wise… if you ever feel such that you act out the following pictures, don’t just settle for taking a panadol. You’ll actually need to open your eyes or come to your senses, because you should have noticed you spill a freaking pile of salt in your soup and you tried to have a little too much coffee with your sugar!

 Now that we’re back to normal, why not get a little baking done… as in pastry, mind you. To that effect, we can use one of those nifty mixers from Planetaria? It looks they have a double function of splashing your unwanted visitors… isn’t that something? Talk about artificial intelligence! Or maybe they just couldn’t keep those blenders from spilling and they’re trying to sell us on “creative applications” that will take advantage of the unique flaws in their product design.

Waking up in early in the morning to get to work can be an annoying experience. But Seiko has figured out a way of making such experience go beyond unpleasant until it gets outright painful. Who doesn’t love to wake up with a good physical schock, anyway?

Finally, a simple answer to one of the greatest riddles in the universe: why should all man be terrified with any female purse? Here’s the answer, courtesy of Badvertisement! 

That’s it, folks! If you can’t have enough of this juicy beef, stay tuned for the second part of our Badvertisement special: “Badvertisements 2: I get it, but I still don’t like it!.

Ps- Just to show that badvertisements are by no means a modern trend, I’ll leave you with these two fine specimens, featuring consummer-favorite scary mimes and dirty babies!

“Drink our hot chocolate… otherwise our scary mime will chase you down the street… forever! AND you’ll have horrible nightmares too!”

“If your piglet baby really hates bathing… our soap really won’t make it easier for you! But you should buy it anyway, because we told you so!“

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